What next

This is an interesting writeup which I wrote 8 years back just a few months after completing my MD which conveys well the uncertainty that met me then. Little did I know that the promise of the land would not last long and soon I would again find myself thrown into a more ravaging tumultuous ocean to survive and cross. I love this analogy of the sea that came to me then and I can relate to it even now.  Now its more like I have learnt sailing and have my own boat, but every moment am aware of the uncertainties and possibility of a complete change in direction of where I am headed. I try to not focus on the destiny but the journey instead. So here is my immature hopeful and confused self from 8 years back...

WHAT NEXT?

I feel the call of spirituality. I like to believe my work in this life will involve promotion of spirituality but I have no clue exactly what it is. Am open to all possibilities even the possibility of doing apparently nothing as in the real sense there is no nothing.

After the tormentous sea which I have struggled swimming last 10 years, now in the pleasant beach of this new free land am resting and contemplating my direction ahead. The sea of this life is crossed and now remains only the treading of the path on this land.  Paths are in multitude and the apparent highway which the crowd takes to, starts right from where am standing.  Its promise is tempting, am observing the jolly comfortable ride of those passing by me, a smile brightening their faces, a twinkle of hope gleaming in their eyes, hope of nearing the gold mine, of happening to discover some gold on their way. Their faces for an instant remind me of the hopeful passengers of the Titanic at the beginning of their journey in the movie we all saw. Though the promise and the contagious happy hope of the atmosphere around calls the feet, the mind knows too well where this leads.

After a lifetime of collecting and carefully carrying a heavy burden of gold through precarious paths and going through bitter experiences in order to retain and increase the load, one comes at a certain stage to a gate where all belongings have to be submitted for good and one passes through just with oneself. He then feels ill at ease at having wasted his precious time and energy carrying a useless burden. He also begins to recollect his pre-determination of not getting swayed by temptation influenced by people this time, before he had started the present journey.   But alas! Again he beholds himself at the same level where he had been many times before, every time falling prey to the same mistake and not being able to cross the level which is all too easy if only he can master his temptations.

The fellow passengers and friends who had crossed the tough sea with me have all already headed straight on this highway and as they merrily tread ahead they turn back to ask me “Hey! What are you waiting for?” So what am I waiting for? Is this just a moment of hesitation before I eventually start moving on this very path and let myself get carried by the crowd? My intuition tells me that I have done that many a times before and am stuck at this level too long though I cant bring myself to remember it now. So do I just stand here in wait of someone or some intuition to show me the direction or do I just stray randomly from the promising highway? One thing is certain though, there is no standing or waiting in this life. Where ever we stand its like a conveyor belt carrying us slowly in some direction while we become aware of the changing scenes.

So much of free air on land, feels so good to breathe. Is not it the greatest treasure to cherish? But being in sea last 10 years I have learnt to survive with minimal air, a habit which I subconsciously continue even now, having to remind myself to fill my lungs every now and then. I must heed to nourishment now and recover from the anemia of the nutrition-poor sea. For those well meaning friends who ask me what am going to do now this is all I can say, this is in fact all I know right now.